A VIEW FROM THE TERRACE
Aylesbury v Erith. Replay
On Monday at work I told my mate Bob about the misses taking all and sundry to the war museum on Tuesday and the problem of getting to football.
Arthur had nearly wet himself at the thought of it when the misses asked him and I couldn’t talk him out of it.
I didn’t know why I was telling silly Bob, the last time he had helped; I had ended up decorating the house to get out of the trouble he had got me in.
“I got out of going to one of those poncey fashion shows with my wife once” he said.
I was all ears, if silly Bob could do it, so could I.
“What did you do?”
“I pretended to be sick.”
“How did you get away with that?”
“Well what you have to do is, the night before only eat bits and pieces of your dinner, when your misses asks what's wrong, tell her that your stomach hurts. Put your head down periodically so she sees you're not feeling well.
You do a good job; she will probably want to take your temperature, in which case you say I have to go to the bathroom. Get some hot water and drink it and rinse it in your mouth, especially under your tongue, it makes the thermometer go through the roof.
In the night you need to toss and turn, moan a little to add a little effect to it.”
“Wow you got this worked out Bob” I said”
He carried on with a big smile, knowing that his plan was so good.
“In the morning be reluctant to get out of bed. If she still wants to make you go to the museum, get up, but sluggishly, slowly dress, but not too slowly. Skip a button on your shirt, don't comb your hair properly, and don't tie your shoe laces properly”
Bloody hell I was really impressed.
“Now if she is still insistent that you go, here is the clincher”
Bob had gone up in my estimation; I didn’t think he was this devious.
“Get some Visine eye drops and swallow some, in just a few minutes you will be as sick as a dog.
Tell her she has to go the museum so she doesn’t let the old boys down and you can go to football.”
“Wow Bob that is a great plan and you got away with it”
“Well I didn’t actually get away with it.”
“Why what happened?”
“Well I didn’t know that when she took my temperature it read that I should have been dead and then taking the Visine really scared her.
She called an ambulance and they carted me off to hospital, they kept me in for four days because they thought I had that swine flu”
I didn’t know if it was office policy that you couldn’t beat a fellow worker around the head with a computer keyboard, but I was going to give it a try anyway.
I was reprieved from the war museum late on Monday afternoon, the misses rang to say her dad couldn’t make today and would come Wednesday as he had the gas man coming.
I told her how upset I was, as I was looking forward to it so much and maybe we could do it another time.
What a result.
It was easy to get to football tonight, as the misses had to pop into work for a few hours.
She had been working part time helping her mate with Weight Watchers.
Some bright spark had got into their office and changed the outgoing message on the answerphone to, Hello, you big fat bastard, please leave a message.
It had been six days before they realised what had happened and wondered why their numbers were going down.
I went to the pub for a quick one before the game and Arthur was in mourning over not going to the war museum.
I bought him a beer and told him we would go their soon, which brightened him up.
I made it to the ground in time for a beer before the match. The FA cup was special, if we could get through tonight we were drawn against Wingate and Finchley away on 26th September, I found this out later.
I went into the ground and it was swamped with a lot of ankle biters on the pitch.
They were having some sort of penalty kick about and I must admit it was nice to see. It was good that a senior team gave the little rats a go.
We were in our red kit and Erith in yellow. When the teams came out, each of our team had a little one by the hand as a mascot. For a moment I thought I was at Old Trafford.
It was great to see and I’m sure the little ones loved it.
BBC world service were there and asking questions about what was going on. Someone said. “That’s our young ones ain’t they the bollox.”
I don’t think that will get on the BBC.
We started the match kicking into the wind which I hoped would not spoil the game.
From the start we put Erith under pressure and at long last started a game using the ball on the floor and looking dangerous.
Within a minute we had a corner and the next five minutes Aylesbury were doing all the pressurising.
Erith were fast up front but our defence looked solid.
On 15 min Aylesbury should have gone one up but the ball somehow managed to stay out of the net.
On 16 min the ball was crossed from the left for Maynard to smash it home from 22 yards. 1 – 0 and it was deserved.
There were quiet a few chances as the half progressed, but Aylesbury were unable to convert them.
It would have been fair for Aylesbury to have been going in 3 – 0 at half time.
The half time whistle blew and it was time for a pint. Aylesbury were by far the better team and it would be an injustice if they lost this game.
The bar was busy for half time and I didn’t see any of the old gits trying to sell any tickets for there get rich quick scheme.
In the second half the wind had dropped a little, but there were a few spits of rain in the air.
Aylesbury continued as they left off and were the better team and then they started to play the long ball game again and sit back deep, inviting Erith to attack.
On 55 min Price continued chasing a ball down the right that he had no right to get. He beat the defender to the ball and whipped a cross into the box that found Henney. The ball bounced in front of Henney and it was awkward for him to know what to do with it. Everything seemed to go into slow motion. Henney stuck his foot out and mis- kicked it, the ball went up into the air. Where the bloody hell it was going no one knew. The ball came down behind the oncoming keeper and into the net. 2 – 0.
The crowd were quiet for what seemed ages as they took in what had just happened and then they exploded.
A few minutes later Henney was again put through and with only the keeper to beat, he pushed the ball a little bit hard and wide and it was cleared by a defender.
The language was starting to get a little bit ripe on the Erith bench and I wondered if their manager was going for another record in swearing.
Aylesbury should have had the ball in the net a few more time but the luck was not with them.
On the 73min the ball was crossed from the left to find Brennan in the six yard box. He took a flying leap and smashed the ball into the keepers chest with his hand. If it had gone in it would have been the hand of God.
Erith started to put on a bit more pressure and Aylesbury seemed to be laying back. Then on the 74 min Boyce seemed to push a player in the back and Erith were awarded a penalty that they converted. 2 – 1.
Henney again had clear chances to finish the match off, but squandered them.
With two minutes to go Smith in the Aylesbury goal made a fine save that pushed the ball onto the post and out for a corner.
With just a minute to go Butts was fouled in the middle of the park, with a nasty tackle that in itself should have been a red card. The Erith player then pushed his head into the ground that again should have been a second red.
This caused both teams to join in and there were handbags for a few minutes.
To my amazement the Erith player only got a yellow card.
Erith were pushing for the equaliser until the end but Aylesbury held firm.
The final whistle blew and it was greeted with a lot of applause.
I had a quick beer to celebrate and then off home, before the misses got there.
Aylesbury v Erith. Replay
On Monday at work I told my mate Bob about the misses taking all and sundry to the war museum on Tuesday and the problem of getting to football.
Arthur had nearly wet himself at the thought of it when the misses asked him and I couldn’t talk him out of it.
I didn’t know why I was telling silly Bob, the last time he had helped; I had ended up decorating the house to get out of the trouble he had got me in.
“I got out of going to one of those poncey fashion shows with my wife once” he said.
I was all ears, if silly Bob could do it, so could I.
“What did you do?”
“I pretended to be sick.”
“How did you get away with that?”
“Well what you have to do is, the night before only eat bits and pieces of your dinner, when your misses asks what's wrong, tell her that your stomach hurts. Put your head down periodically so she sees you're not feeling well.
You do a good job; she will probably want to take your temperature, in which case you say I have to go to the bathroom. Get some hot water and drink it and rinse it in your mouth, especially under your tongue, it makes the thermometer go through the roof.
In the night you need to toss and turn, moan a little to add a little effect to it.”
“Wow you got this worked out Bob” I said”
He carried on with a big smile, knowing that his plan was so good.
“In the morning be reluctant to get out of bed. If she still wants to make you go to the museum, get up, but sluggishly, slowly dress, but not too slowly. Skip a button on your shirt, don't comb your hair properly, and don't tie your shoe laces properly”
Bloody hell I was really impressed.
“Now if she is still insistent that you go, here is the clincher”
Bob had gone up in my estimation; I didn’t think he was this devious.
“Get some Visine eye drops and swallow some, in just a few minutes you will be as sick as a dog.
Tell her she has to go the museum so she doesn’t let the old boys down and you can go to football.”
“Wow Bob that is a great plan and you got away with it”
“Well I didn’t actually get away with it.”
“Why what happened?”
“Well I didn’t know that when she took my temperature it read that I should have been dead and then taking the Visine really scared her.
She called an ambulance and they carted me off to hospital, they kept me in for four days because they thought I had that swine flu”
I didn’t know if it was office policy that you couldn’t beat a fellow worker around the head with a computer keyboard, but I was going to give it a try anyway.
I was reprieved from the war museum late on Monday afternoon, the misses rang to say her dad couldn’t make today and would come Wednesday as he had the gas man coming.
I told her how upset I was, as I was looking forward to it so much and maybe we could do it another time.
What a result.
It was easy to get to football tonight, as the misses had to pop into work for a few hours.
She had been working part time helping her mate with Weight Watchers.
Some bright spark had got into their office and changed the outgoing message on the answerphone to, Hello, you big fat bastard, please leave a message.
It had been six days before they realised what had happened and wondered why their numbers were going down.
I went to the pub for a quick one before the game and Arthur was in mourning over not going to the war museum.
I bought him a beer and told him we would go their soon, which brightened him up.
I made it to the ground in time for a beer before the match. The FA cup was special, if we could get through tonight we were drawn against Wingate and Finchley away on 26th September, I found this out later.
I went into the ground and it was swamped with a lot of ankle biters on the pitch.
They were having some sort of penalty kick about and I must admit it was nice to see. It was good that a senior team gave the little rats a go.
We were in our red kit and Erith in yellow. When the teams came out, each of our team had a little one by the hand as a mascot. For a moment I thought I was at Old Trafford.
It was great to see and I’m sure the little ones loved it.
BBC world service were there and asking questions about what was going on. Someone said. “That’s our young ones ain’t they the bollox.”
I don’t think that will get on the BBC.
We started the match kicking into the wind which I hoped would not spoil the game.
From the start we put Erith under pressure and at long last started a game using the ball on the floor and looking dangerous.
Within a minute we had a corner and the next five minutes Aylesbury were doing all the pressurising.
Erith were fast up front but our defence looked solid.
On 15 min Aylesbury should have gone one up but the ball somehow managed to stay out of the net.
On 16 min the ball was crossed from the left for Maynard to smash it home from 22 yards. 1 – 0 and it was deserved.
There were quiet a few chances as the half progressed, but Aylesbury were unable to convert them.
It would have been fair for Aylesbury to have been going in 3 – 0 at half time.
The half time whistle blew and it was time for a pint. Aylesbury were by far the better team and it would be an injustice if they lost this game.
The bar was busy for half time and I didn’t see any of the old gits trying to sell any tickets for there get rich quick scheme.
In the second half the wind had dropped a little, but there were a few spits of rain in the air.
Aylesbury continued as they left off and were the better team and then they started to play the long ball game again and sit back deep, inviting Erith to attack.
On 55 min Price continued chasing a ball down the right that he had no right to get. He beat the defender to the ball and whipped a cross into the box that found Henney. The ball bounced in front of Henney and it was awkward for him to know what to do with it. Everything seemed to go into slow motion. Henney stuck his foot out and mis- kicked it, the ball went up into the air. Where the bloody hell it was going no one knew. The ball came down behind the oncoming keeper and into the net. 2 – 0.
The crowd were quiet for what seemed ages as they took in what had just happened and then they exploded.
A few minutes later Henney was again put through and with only the keeper to beat, he pushed the ball a little bit hard and wide and it was cleared by a defender.
The language was starting to get a little bit ripe on the Erith bench and I wondered if their manager was going for another record in swearing.
Aylesbury should have had the ball in the net a few more time but the luck was not with them.
On the 73min the ball was crossed from the left to find Brennan in the six yard box. He took a flying leap and smashed the ball into the keepers chest with his hand. If it had gone in it would have been the hand of God.
Erith started to put on a bit more pressure and Aylesbury seemed to be laying back. Then on the 74 min Boyce seemed to push a player in the back and Erith were awarded a penalty that they converted. 2 – 1.
Henney again had clear chances to finish the match off, but squandered them.
With two minutes to go Smith in the Aylesbury goal made a fine save that pushed the ball onto the post and out for a corner.
With just a minute to go Butts was fouled in the middle of the park, with a nasty tackle that in itself should have been a red card. The Erith player then pushed his head into the ground that again should have been a second red.
This caused both teams to join in and there were handbags for a few minutes.
To my amazement the Erith player only got a yellow card.
Erith were pushing for the equaliser until the end but Aylesbury held firm.
The final whistle blew and it was greeted with a lot of applause.
I had a quick beer to celebrate and then off home, before the misses got there.
