A VIEW FROM THE TERRACE
Erith v Aylesbury
It was Saturday and FA cup day, It was a lovely day again and probably too hot for football. I worked in the garden for a few hours and then went to get ready.
The misses was letting me go as I had been a good boy all week.
I came into the kitchen and she hit me with it.
“My dad is coming up Monday and staying until Friday night”
“Oh that will be nice,” I said. I didn’t mind the old boy being there as he waffled on to the misses and she left me alone.
I thought we would take him to the Imperial War Museum on Tuesday, as you have a day off, he will like that.
Tuesday, bloody hell we were playing Oxhey in the cup on Tuesday I thought, little knowing it was going to be more important than that with a replay in the FA cup.
I had to get out of this.
She carried on.
“I thought we might take Arthur from the pub, he and dad always seem to have a lot to talk about and Arthur will like the museum. I’m going to the pub tonight with the girls, I’ll ask him then.”
Christ when I got back to the pub after football her and her mates would be there.
I’m sure that they held the record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously. When one gets up to go they are followed immediately by the other members of the party. Moving en mass the group enter the toilet and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerge an hour later.
This was getting worse by the minute. I couldn’t stand a whole day of Arthur and her dad; I’d come back from the war museum shell shocked.
I had to come up with a plan to divert this nightmare; no way was I missing football.
I left and shot down the pub to see Arthur before football and try to persuade him not to accept next Tuesday, but I didn’t hold out much hope.
Arthur the old boy well into his nineties and as deaf as a post, was sitting at his usual seat at the bar. He was nursing a near empty glass of beer.
“Want a drink Arthur,” I said
“No son, I can only have a half a shandy as it plays havoc with me eyesight.” he said.
Bloody right it did, so would my eyesight with ten pints and half a dozen scotches inside them.
“Oh ok”
“All right I’ll have a scotch,” he said
Not knowing how to start the conversation about Tuesday, I said “We are playing Erith in the FA cup today Arthur.”
“Oh Erith on the River Thames, there was once a royal dockyard in the town centre there.”
“Oh really, what you doing Tuesday Arthur?”
“The Earl of Suffolk had an experimental bomb disposal team on Erith marshes. They tried all ways to get round the German booby traps.”
“Oh really, are you busy on Tuesday?”
“One of them exploded and they found him half way up Erith High Street, well some of him”
“Do you have to pick up your pension or anything on a Tuesday Arthur?”
“A V1 flying bomb, colloquially known as a Doodle Bug, got caught in the balloon barrage which protected the approaches to South East London. This ripped the tail off the V1, which plummeted down, exploding in a ditch 50 yards opposite the front of my mate’s house.”
“Wow, ok, It is nice to have this conversation about Tuesday Arthur.”
“Yeah his misses was just getting in the tin bath in the front room when the windows blew in, it took them weeks to get the glass out of her bum.”
“Maybe we will continue about Tuesday later Arthur,” I said as I went out the door dragging in a lung full of air and slowly counting to ten.
The FA cup was a special occasion and I thought the best cup in the world.
I drove to Erith as the coach had left too early for me.
No way could I leave the house at ten in the morning and come home at eight at night for a game that lasted an hour and a half.
Woman didn’t understand the intricacies of football.
I passed a place on the way called Slade, wasn’t that where they banged up Ronnie Barker in Porridge?.
I arrived a little bit late and didn’t have time to have a beer.
The place was a sports centre; it had a swimming pool, gym, social centre for nutters and a running track around the outside.
I took up position behind the dugouts that were 500 miles from the pitch. I hadn’t had my fill of bad language for a while.
Our manager Mark must have been reinstated as he was back on the bench. At least I thought we can get some good swear words back into the game.
The lads came out wearing their sort of blue royal blue, sort of sky blue, Italian world cup light blue kit, Erith were in red and black stripes.
I wondered how this game was going to go, as looking at the results Erith were unbeaten and were going to be a test for Aylesbury.
The game kicked off and it seemed fifty fifty for the early exchanges.
The game seemed slow for what I was used to seeing Aylesbury play, but the heat of the day might have had something to do with it.
Aylesbury seemed to be the better side with some nice touches, but Erith were more direct with their play.
Erith had a fast winger on the left, but Mark Boyce was taking good care of him.
The game had a draw all over it but there was a long way to go.
The rest of the half was a stalemate and it was going to take a spark of good play to break the deadlock.
The deadlock was broken on 44min when Henney got his first goal with a well-taken strike.
The opposing team thought it was offside, and this is when I got my fill of foul and abusive language.
Their manager went off on one. He went on to swear for 2mins 7secs, without stopping once or repeating a swear word.
I thought we were going for a world record, but it ended in failure when he repeated the word b******d after 1mins 58secs.
The referee sent him from the technical box and he was still muttering when he left.
I looked across to the far side of the ground to where the bar was, and part of it had a balcony that stuck out in a square box high up. The chairman was standing out on the balcony with Ian the secretary and a young lady behind them, all of course with a beer in their hand. It was a scene from 1938 with Hitler, Hermann Goring and Eva Bruan ready to deliver a speech. I shook my head and concentrated on the football, that scene was too bizarre.
Aylesbury’s lead only lasted for a minute, when from a corner Erith scored, it was on the stroke of half time.
I had to walk all around the pitch and running track to get a beer at half time, so I stayed where I was and had a cup of tea in the clubhouse, I would make up for it later in the pub.
The second half got under way and I took up the same position. The game continued with both teams equally matched.
The deadlock was broken again when Erith scored on 61min, but with a role reversal of the first half Aylesbury equalised within a minute with Henney’s second.
On 85min it seemed Aylesbury had secured the game when Henney scored his hat trick, with a well-taken goal after a good build up.
With just five minutes to go Erith were looking dangerous and were pushing forward with nothing to lose.
Their equaliser came right on ninety minutes, again from a corner.
So we had to do it all again on Tuesday night. At least we were going into the draw on Monday for the next round and it will be interesting to see whom we get, as the conference sides North and South come in.
It was at this point I remembered about the visit to the war museum on Tuesday. I had to get to that pub and kill Arthur.
I didn’t stay for a beer, I had to get to the pub before my misses.
Erith v Aylesbury
It was Saturday and FA cup day, It was a lovely day again and probably too hot for football. I worked in the garden for a few hours and then went to get ready.
The misses was letting me go as I had been a good boy all week.
I came into the kitchen and she hit me with it.
“My dad is coming up Monday and staying until Friday night”
“Oh that will be nice,” I said. I didn’t mind the old boy being there as he waffled on to the misses and she left me alone.
I thought we would take him to the Imperial War Museum on Tuesday, as you have a day off, he will like that.
Tuesday, bloody hell we were playing Oxhey in the cup on Tuesday I thought, little knowing it was going to be more important than that with a replay in the FA cup.
I had to get out of this.
She carried on.
“I thought we might take Arthur from the pub, he and dad always seem to have a lot to talk about and Arthur will like the museum. I’m going to the pub tonight with the girls, I’ll ask him then.”
Christ when I got back to the pub after football her and her mates would be there.
I’m sure that they held the record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously. When one gets up to go they are followed immediately by the other members of the party. Moving en mass the group enter the toilet and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerge an hour later.
This was getting worse by the minute. I couldn’t stand a whole day of Arthur and her dad; I’d come back from the war museum shell shocked.
I had to come up with a plan to divert this nightmare; no way was I missing football.
I left and shot down the pub to see Arthur before football and try to persuade him not to accept next Tuesday, but I didn’t hold out much hope.
Arthur the old boy well into his nineties and as deaf as a post, was sitting at his usual seat at the bar. He was nursing a near empty glass of beer.
“Want a drink Arthur,” I said
“No son, I can only have a half a shandy as it plays havoc with me eyesight.” he said.
Bloody right it did, so would my eyesight with ten pints and half a dozen scotches inside them.
“Oh ok”
“All right I’ll have a scotch,” he said
Not knowing how to start the conversation about Tuesday, I said “We are playing Erith in the FA cup today Arthur.”
“Oh Erith on the River Thames, there was once a royal dockyard in the town centre there.”
“Oh really, what you doing Tuesday Arthur?”
“The Earl of Suffolk had an experimental bomb disposal team on Erith marshes. They tried all ways to get round the German booby traps.”
“Oh really, are you busy on Tuesday?”
“One of them exploded and they found him half way up Erith High Street, well some of him”
“Do you have to pick up your pension or anything on a Tuesday Arthur?”
“A V1 flying bomb, colloquially known as a Doodle Bug, got caught in the balloon barrage which protected the approaches to South East London. This ripped the tail off the V1, which plummeted down, exploding in a ditch 50 yards opposite the front of my mate’s house.”
“Wow, ok, It is nice to have this conversation about Tuesday Arthur.”
“Yeah his misses was just getting in the tin bath in the front room when the windows blew in, it took them weeks to get the glass out of her bum.”
“Maybe we will continue about Tuesday later Arthur,” I said as I went out the door dragging in a lung full of air and slowly counting to ten.
The FA cup was a special occasion and I thought the best cup in the world.
I drove to Erith as the coach had left too early for me.
No way could I leave the house at ten in the morning and come home at eight at night for a game that lasted an hour and a half.
Woman didn’t understand the intricacies of football.
I passed a place on the way called Slade, wasn’t that where they banged up Ronnie Barker in Porridge?.
I arrived a little bit late and didn’t have time to have a beer.
The place was a sports centre; it had a swimming pool, gym, social centre for nutters and a running track around the outside.
I took up position behind the dugouts that were 500 miles from the pitch. I hadn’t had my fill of bad language for a while.
Our manager Mark must have been reinstated as he was back on the bench. At least I thought we can get some good swear words back into the game.
The lads came out wearing their sort of blue royal blue, sort of sky blue, Italian world cup light blue kit, Erith were in red and black stripes.
I wondered how this game was going to go, as looking at the results Erith were unbeaten and were going to be a test for Aylesbury.
The game kicked off and it seemed fifty fifty for the early exchanges.
The game seemed slow for what I was used to seeing Aylesbury play, but the heat of the day might have had something to do with it.
Aylesbury seemed to be the better side with some nice touches, but Erith were more direct with their play.
Erith had a fast winger on the left, but Mark Boyce was taking good care of him.
The game had a draw all over it but there was a long way to go.
The rest of the half was a stalemate and it was going to take a spark of good play to break the deadlock.
The deadlock was broken on 44min when Henney got his first goal with a well-taken strike.
The opposing team thought it was offside, and this is when I got my fill of foul and abusive language.
Their manager went off on one. He went on to swear for 2mins 7secs, without stopping once or repeating a swear word.
I thought we were going for a world record, but it ended in failure when he repeated the word b******d after 1mins 58secs.
The referee sent him from the technical box and he was still muttering when he left.
I looked across to the far side of the ground to where the bar was, and part of it had a balcony that stuck out in a square box high up. The chairman was standing out on the balcony with Ian the secretary and a young lady behind them, all of course with a beer in their hand. It was a scene from 1938 with Hitler, Hermann Goring and Eva Bruan ready to deliver a speech. I shook my head and concentrated on the football, that scene was too bizarre.
Aylesbury’s lead only lasted for a minute, when from a corner Erith scored, it was on the stroke of half time.
I had to walk all around the pitch and running track to get a beer at half time, so I stayed where I was and had a cup of tea in the clubhouse, I would make up for it later in the pub.
The second half got under way and I took up the same position. The game continued with both teams equally matched.
The deadlock was broken again when Erith scored on 61min, but with a role reversal of the first half Aylesbury equalised within a minute with Henney’s second.
On 85min it seemed Aylesbury had secured the game when Henney scored his hat trick, with a well-taken goal after a good build up.
With just five minutes to go Erith were looking dangerous and were pushing forward with nothing to lose.
Their equaliser came right on ninety minutes, again from a corner.
So we had to do it all again on Tuesday night. At least we were going into the draw on Monday for the next round and it will be interesting to see whom we get, as the conference sides North and South come in.
It was at this point I remembered about the visit to the war museum on Tuesday. I had to get to that pub and kill Arthur.
I didn’t stay for a beer, I had to get to the pub before my misses.
